10 months in and this journey is still NOTHING of what I thought it would be. It's unbelievable how much you think you know and quickly find out you really have no idea. First I started out wanting a fresh newborn baby but at the start of the year during a period of fasting I felt the Lord directing me towards foster-adopt which was quickly confirmed by a stranger at church coming up to me and praying for me. She was prompted by the Lord and the first word she heard from Him was "born". I took that as confirmation that our child had already been born and when I told Jim he was happy because from before meeting me he had always wanted to adopt an older child.
This new direction felt right because for one, when you start joining in with God's plan it feels peaceful. After all it is His plan that we were born for right? But it doesn't mean His plan isn't hard. At first I thought this was going to be SO much easier. We wouldn't have to go thru the dreaded process of a birth mom deciding whether or not we were worthy to raise her child. We wouldn't have to navigate an open adoption. We wouldn't have the huge expense of a private adoption. And there's tons of foster kids out there right? So it should be a lot faster. That's what I thought... I think those are the important things when you start out wanting to grow your family thru adoption. The thought process was all about me and what's this going to cost me and Jim. Vulnerability, money and time were things I wanted to control and minimize.
So now we're 10 months in and everything is different. I imagine that will be true at 6 months and 1 day in, 2 days in, and so on. I've poured over profiles of children in the foster system which barely scratch the surface of what they've been through. Now it's not about the cost to me but what has it already cost them? My dream of a fresh newborn baby will not happen. There is no such thing in any adoption because in every adoption there is huge loss and no child comes out unscathed. It's no longer about how much will it cost me but about how much do I really have to give? Because when it comes down to it I better not be concerned about my vulnerability - because these kids are about to find every insecurity I have. I better not be concerned about my money - because these kids are going to need so much and I better not be concerned about my time because these kids are about to take up every second. It's no longer about the family I dreamed about but about giving children a family. And to be honest, I'm scared to death. If I didn't have my Jesus I don't think I would do this. I'm opening myself up to giving everything and getting nothing in return and I have to be okay with that. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. We aren't "saving" anyone here. These kids, no matter how horrible their birth parents are do not want to be saved, they want their mom and dad - their birth mom and dad not shiny new ones.
So now we're 10 months in and I'm afraid. Afraid of not being able to give them a home in which they can heal. Afraid of the criticism from well meaning friends and family that don't understand the probability of intense behavior and tender discipline techniques required for children from immense trauma. Afraid of not getting this right. The only thing bigger then my fears is my Jesus and I'm holding on to Him like no other time in my life. Every day, every child or sibling situation I am giving it over to Him. If He thinks we (me, Jim and Him) can do this then we say yes and let Him do what He does best. As we blindly stumble through this process we say yes to any child we don't hear Him saying no to and then pray that He covers our yes which he has done. And we wait. Wait by pressing into Him and hanging on for dear life.
This new direction felt right because for one, when you start joining in with God's plan it feels peaceful. After all it is His plan that we were born for right? But it doesn't mean His plan isn't hard. At first I thought this was going to be SO much easier. We wouldn't have to go thru the dreaded process of a birth mom deciding whether or not we were worthy to raise her child. We wouldn't have to navigate an open adoption. We wouldn't have the huge expense of a private adoption. And there's tons of foster kids out there right? So it should be a lot faster. That's what I thought... I think those are the important things when you start out wanting to grow your family thru adoption. The thought process was all about me and what's this going to cost me and Jim. Vulnerability, money and time were things I wanted to control and minimize.
So now we're 10 months in and everything is different. I imagine that will be true at 6 months and 1 day in, 2 days in, and so on. I've poured over profiles of children in the foster system which barely scratch the surface of what they've been through. Now it's not about the cost to me but what has it already cost them? My dream of a fresh newborn baby will not happen. There is no such thing in any adoption because in every adoption there is huge loss and no child comes out unscathed. It's no longer about how much will it cost me but about how much do I really have to give? Because when it comes down to it I better not be concerned about my vulnerability - because these kids are about to find every insecurity I have. I better not be concerned about my money - because these kids are going to need so much and I better not be concerned about my time because these kids are about to take up every second. It's no longer about the family I dreamed about but about giving children a family. And to be honest, I'm scared to death. If I didn't have my Jesus I don't think I would do this. I'm opening myself up to giving everything and getting nothing in return and I have to be okay with that. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. We aren't "saving" anyone here. These kids, no matter how horrible their birth parents are do not want to be saved, they want their mom and dad - their birth mom and dad not shiny new ones.
So now we're 10 months in and I'm afraid. Afraid of not being able to give them a home in which they can heal. Afraid of the criticism from well meaning friends and family that don't understand the probability of intense behavior and tender discipline techniques required for children from immense trauma. Afraid of not getting this right. The only thing bigger then my fears is my Jesus and I'm holding on to Him like no other time in my life. Every day, every child or sibling situation I am giving it over to Him. If He thinks we (me, Jim and Him) can do this then we say yes and let Him do what He does best. As we blindly stumble through this process we say yes to any child we don't hear Him saying no to and then pray that He covers our yes which he has done. And we wait. Wait by pressing into Him and hanging on for dear life.
