“In the beginning God created the heavens and the
earth. The earth was without form, and
void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.
And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.” Gen 1:1-2
The day I started this bible study is also the beginning of
our adoption journey. For me, it’s the
journey to the family I always dreamed about.
God, in His immense graciousness and mercy, outside of all my personal screw
ups and bad choices, and in His sovereign nature, has already given me an amazing
family that only He could have orchestrated.
But I cannot seem to shake off the desire to have a child of my own that
would be a piece of me and a piece of my husband. Some days this desire is so strong that it seems too much to
bear.
As we begin this adoption journey, this first verse of the
bible struck right into my heart. I’ve
read it a million times but today was different. Today, in this current new season I feel like
this is where I am…. A mass, without form and void and with darkness. I have found myself in a place I never
imagined to be, without children of my own.
As a young girl all I wanted to be, all I ever planned on was being a
mother. Heck I even when to college to
find a husband so I could become a mom.
Fast forward 20 years and I have 2 young step children from a previous
marriage that live in 2 different hemispheres whom I FaceTime with monthly if
I’m lucky and 4 step children with my current husband who are all grown and I’m
not even sure if I’ll offend them if I refer to them as step-children. Don’t get me wrong, I am BEYOND blessed with
this unconventional family I have – my 2 that are spread across the earth love
me, I have an amazing relationship with their mom and their dad has allowed me
to visit them which is a miracle in itself.
And my 4 here are gorgeous human beings that have really embraced me
even though they barely knew me and I appreciate each one immensely! I know how ugly step parenting can be and I
have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams.
But as any woman knows, it’s not the same. I have so much mothering in me that I feel at
times as I might explode and sometimes I think I do all over my
granddaughter. Thankfully her mother is
nothing short of amazing or offense could be flying all over the place.
But during all this emotional darkness this is where my
Jesus is… hovering above. His heart is
grieving with mine and He’s ready to turn this dark, voidless season of my life
all around and into the heaven and earth He originally created for me. But I have to let him. I have to give up control of how I think this should all look like and I need to sit in His
presence and let Him work His miracle. I
don’t know what it will look like or how all of this will turn out but I know His
plans for me and He’s ready, He’s waiting on us.
My husband and I have put our “yes” on the table so now it’s time to let
Him direct our steps.
