10 Months In and Everything is Different.

10 months in and this journey is still NOTHING of what I thought it would be. It's unbelievable how much you think you know and quickly find out you really have no idea. First I started out wanting a fresh newborn baby but at the start of the year during a period of fasting I felt the Lord directing me towards foster-adopt which was quickly confirmed by a stranger at church coming up to me and praying for me. She was prompted by the Lord and the first word she heard from Him was "born". I took that as confirmation that our child had already been born and when I told Jim he was happy because from before meeting me he had always wanted to adopt an older child.

This new direction felt right because for one, when you start joining in with God's plan it feels peaceful. After all it is His plan that we were born for right?  But it doesn't mean His plan isn't hard. At first I thought this was going to be SO much easier. We wouldn't have to go thru the dreaded process of a birth mom deciding whether or not we were worthy to raise her child. We wouldn't have to navigate an open adoption. We wouldn't have the huge expense of a private adoption.  And there's tons of foster kids out there right? So it should be a lot faster. That's what I thought... I think those are the important things when you start out wanting to grow your family thru adoption. The thought process was all about me and what's this going to cost me and Jim. Vulnerability, money and time were things I wanted to control and minimize.

So now we're 10 months in and everything is different. I imagine that will be true at 6 months and 1 day in, 2 days in, and so on. I've poured over profiles of children in the foster system which barely scratch the surface of what they've been through. Now it's not about the cost to me but what has it already cost them? My dream of a fresh newborn baby will not happen. There is no such thing in any adoption because in every adoption there is huge loss and no child comes out unscathed. It's no longer about how much will it cost me but about how much do I really have to give? Because when it comes down to it I better not be concerned about my vulnerability - because these kids are about to find every insecurity I have. I better not be concerned about my money - because these kids are going to need so much and I better not be concerned about my time because these kids are about to take up every second. It's no longer about the family I dreamed about but about giving children a family. And to be honest, I'm scared to death. If I didn't have my Jesus I don't think I would do this. I'm opening myself up to giving everything and getting nothing in return and I have to be okay with that. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. We aren't "saving" anyone here. These kids, no matter how horrible their birth parents are do not want to be saved, they want their mom and dad - their birth mom and dad not shiny new ones.

So now we're 10 months in and I'm afraid. Afraid of not being able to give them a home in which they can heal. Afraid of the criticism from well meaning friends and family that don't understand the probability of intense behavior and tender discipline techniques required for children from immense trauma. Afraid of not getting this right. The only thing bigger then my fears is my Jesus and I'm holding on to Him like no other time in my life. Every day, every child or sibling situation I am giving it over to Him. If He thinks we (me, Jim and Him) can do this then we say yes and let Him do what He does best. As we blindly stumble through this process we say yes to any child we don't hear Him saying no to and then pray that He covers our yes which he has done. And we wait. Wait by pressing into Him and hanging on for dear life.

Here's my mess, let's see what He can do...

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.  The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.”  Gen 1:1-2

The day I started this bible study is also the beginning of our adoption journey.  For me, it’s the journey to the family I always dreamed about.  God, in His immense graciousness and mercy, outside of all my personal screw ups and bad choices, and in His sovereign nature, has already given me an amazing family that only He could have orchestrated.  But I cannot seem to shake off the desire to have a child of my own that would be a piece of me and a piece of my husband.  Some days this desire is so strong that it seems too much to bear.  

As we begin this adoption journey, this first verse of the bible struck right into my heart.  I’ve read it a million times but today was different.  Today, in this current new season I feel like this is where I am…. A mass, without form and void and with darkness.  I have found myself in a place I never imagined to be, without children of my own.  As a young girl all I wanted to be, all I ever planned on was being a mother.  Heck I even when to college to find a husband so I could become a mom.  Fast forward 20 years and I have 2 young step children from a previous marriage that live in 2 different hemispheres whom I FaceTime with monthly if I’m lucky and 4 step children with my current husband who are all grown and I’m not even sure if I’ll offend them if I refer to them as step-children.  Don’t get me wrong, I am BEYOND blessed with this unconventional family I have – my 2 that are spread across the earth love me, I have an amazing relationship with their mom and their dad has allowed me to visit them which is a miracle in itself.  And my 4 here are gorgeous human beings that have really embraced me even though they barely knew me and I appreciate each one immensely!  I know how ugly step parenting can be and I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams.   But as any woman knows, it’s not the same.  I have so much mothering in me that I feel at times as I might explode and sometimes I think I do all over my granddaughter.  Thankfully her mother is nothing short of amazing or offense could be flying all over the place. 

But during all this emotional darkness this is where my Jesus is… hovering above.   His heart is grieving with mine and He’s ready to turn this dark, voidless season of my life all around and into the heaven and earth He originally created for me.  But I have to let him.  I have to give up control of how I think this should all look like and I need to sit in His presence and let Him work His miracle.  I don’t know what it will look like or how all of this will turn out but I know His plans for me and He’s ready, He’s waiting on us.  My husband and I have put our “yes” on the table so now it’s time to let Him direct our steps.